Hayden Panettiere's animal noises on Ellen DeGeneres’s show.
Oh. I see.
Yes. I’ll be going on a voyage shortly, and we’ll be gone for a few months. It wasn’t decided official until recently. Are you frightfully cross with me? Oh don’t be, please. I’ll make it up to you.
No. I’m not. Disappointed perhaps. But not much else.
I’m sorry, did you just say you were leaving? For a few months?
It’s too much to ask for. Something like a cough is beneath you and however would you manage to handle something so… demeaning? I suppose this is when I offer to whisk you away to save you, but there’s more to it this time. I’ll have to make it impressionable for when I leave for next few months. I need to leave you wanting.
Your parents were quite the creative individuals. Some kids are stuck with boring names, but no, not you! You should wear your name proudly. I think I still have some “my name is..” Name tags if you ever feel the need to expose your unique name.
That’s actually my middle name. I don’t share it with many people because I’m afraid they’ll tease me, but you figured it out. I will try not to die. But do me a solid, make sure that I don’t get seen by anyone important with spaghetti boob. I need my vagina in tact so this is good news. It’s important for the rest of my well-being. I kind of wish I was kidding about that. I could like … run into a wall repetitiously if you need. You kind of did save my ass, I feel indebted.
Indebted? Oh my gosh! No! Don’t feel that way, please. It’s just what I do. It’s why I’m here. I’m glad I could help. Really I am.
I could do a day or two without the baffling, if I’m honest. One day of just a cough would be fabulous. Or a UTI, or maybe even stomach pain. One day where people’s utter stupidity didn’t overshadow everything else. But that’s too much to ask, isn’t it?
They do it to baffle and amaze you with their genius ideals. After all, it’s something you would do, would you not? It’s just humanities way of reminding us there are easy ways to do everything and someone always cleans up the mess. That wouldn’t be you would it? Would you have to behold the intellectual wonder?
Oh, don’t worry. Cheese grated genitals, I can take care of you. Nothing is too difficult. Unless you’re dead. Then I can’t help you there. So, just don’t die. And we will all be happy. Your vagina will be intact, as well as the rest of you, my students will get a rare, fun case, and I’ll get to work on my powers. I can’t think of a better outcome.
Oh yeah, sure. Man, I’ll be like dead or unconscious. You don’t have to cover anything. Spaghetti vagina. That’s a new one, take pictures? Spaghetti boob. Is there even proper like … filling to make spaghetti boob? I don’t have much there anyway. So just the spaghetti baby-maker, then.
You daredevil, you. If something does happen do I have permission to show my nursing students? I mean spaghetti foot is something. But spaghetti body? That’s beyond belief. I’d cover all your lady bits, of course. No worries there.
Us non-medical people call that spaghetti-foot. It also happens when you get attacked by a shark and all that’s left is what appears to be a spaghetti. Stringy, meaty, pasta and meatballsy. That’s it, I’m going to get a motorcycle license and I’m going to do it nude. Au-naturale.
Oh, yes! There’s extensive literature on the subject! Well, unless you would like to end up with the skin of your foot being peeled off by road burn, the muscles shredded into thin strings if bloody, sinewy crap dangling over bone that’s been broken and damaged to an irreparable form. Then I’d say you’re doing it right. But duct tape is for weenies if you want that outcome. Just don’t wear anything.
Wait, there’s proper footwear for motorcycle riding?
Shit, I never knew that. I always just put on a strip of duct tape for the sole of my foot so it didn’t get hot on the pegs.
Goodbye left foot, hello prosthetic.